"I want to meet someone that doesn’t know me at all. Doesn’t know my friends, doesn’t know friends of my friends, someone that is not connected to me in any way; a complete stranger. No preconceived notions of each other, both our pasts behind us. I just want to get their name and their number. I don’t want to add them on facebook, tumblr, twitter, whatever. We’re not going to text each other, IM each other, email each other, whatever. The only way we are going to communicate is face to face or voice to voice (on the phone). I want to get to know the real them and I want them to know the real me. I want it be pure and simple. If perfection is impossible, then I want it to be just shy of perfect. "

From aaronvincible.

Angela had a philosophical moment. Horin would be proud.

I feel like there are several reasons to these flippin’ bumps in the road: The people who paved it are idiots for leaving bumps. Then again, that’s how life is. We’re stupid for not stepping over them, especially if we see them. We’re stupid for hurting ourselves for stepping ON them and bitching at no one in general about the pain it’s causing us. Omg. I sound so philosophical. This was from a convo I had. I don’t think I was feeling myself when I said this. Then again, when do I ever feel like myself?

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Blame it on the alcohol.

"Drunken words are sober thoughts."

I feel so unemotional.

At the same time, I feel uber emotional.

On the outside, I'm indifferent. Right now, at least. But on the inside? I'm a complete mess.

I don't know whether to laugh at myself or cry.

I'm not even putting my heart into my Tumblr, atm. Instead of reblogging stuffs, I'm just liking everything.

Holy shit, what the hell is wrong with me?

You built up a world of magic, because your real life is tragic.

I kinda wish I would bleed.

Like just a bit would relieve me oh so much.

Lonely people are always up in the middle of the night.

I want to kiss you…so badly.

(title creds to nerissalorayna)

Not one of those "Cya later" ones. Not one of those "in the moment" ones. Not one of those passionless ones.

I want one that actually means something.

'Cause I know that it's going to mean something to me.

I want bliss.

Ignorance is bliss. Right?

I need to be on a permanent high if I'm to survive. Hm, so this is how potheads do it.

Dead tired. Week "flew by" and now it's break. Oh hey, college shit to do. I think that can wait 'til tomorrow. I fell dead asleep at the kitchen table-something rare. And I fell dead asleep and ended up at Coney Island. Another rare event.

I need sleep. Yea, Captain Obvious is working overtime tonight.

Headache.

Maybe I went a bit too hardcore on the alcohol. I almost passed out on my way down here. Hohums.

I wonder how I'm typing this correctly. I wonder how long I stayed downstairs. I wonder how many bottles I drank. Hmmmm. I need to pop a Tylenol later.

Heh I hear my parents talking.

Mom: Where's Angela? Tell her to come up and do dishes.

Dad: Pft. She's prolly drunk somewhere.

Omg. I made so many typos doing this post. Nappy time later?

Oh fuck to the yes.

Hotpot tonight!

I need happiness. I need family time (YEA OKAY). I need a getaway.

Yep, hotpot is the way to go ~

I'm bored.

I might want to make a website thinga mabob for the hell of stressing myself with HTML coding. Then again, do I have the time for that? And even if I did, what the heck would it be about?

BRAINSTORMING TIMEEEEEEEEE.

I am totally feeling fine.

I want some physical pain.

Punching a wall. Opening my cut.

Anything.

Just to feel like I'm still alive. Other than breathing and chest pain, I feel so numb that it's not even funny.

Yea, these posts are getting more personal. I should stop that.

We'll be a dream.

Just gonna leave this here.

Do you remember the nights,

We'd stay up laughing,

Smiling for hours, at anything?

Remember the nights,

We drove around crazy in love.

Do you remember the nights

We made our way dreaming,

Hoping of being someone big?

We were so young then

We were too crazy in love.

When the lights go out,

We'll be safe and sound.

We'll take control of the world,

Like it's all we have to hold on to.

And we'll be a dream.

My appetite doesn't seem to be with my nowadays.

My stomach is speaking to me, but I'm not listening to it. It growls, I think about food and instantly get disgusted and feel like barfing. Ugh. This can't be good for my health. Then again, I do need to lose a few, so it's all good. Doing slightly better in track too! -somewhat proud-

I feel like a hypocrite though. I scorn those who starve themselves just to lose weight. I'm not doing that, but I do feel like I'm somewhat starving myself. I don't know, I just don't feel like eating much anymore. Not in the mood too. Or, if I'm hungry, no appetite for anything. At all.

But tonight's going to be different. I'm at my cousin's place now and they invited me to stay for dinner. I fucking love them. Why am I not living with them instead? But yea, he's cooking up loads of stuff (they don't call him Fay Jay for nothin') and it smells delicious. -stomach growl- Yea, time to beast tonight, ahaha.

Let me rant for the time being while I'm waiting for food.

I don't know exactly what came over me today. After gym, I just felt meh. I wanted to desperately run away and hide. And then think. And think. And think. After gym, I felt whoozy and slightly dizzy. I think it was from the mini-nap I sorta had. The I suddenly got up and BAM -whoozy- ffffuuuu-

On the train, I was hoping that the ride would zoom by, like it usually does. But no, for some odd reason, it felt like forever. From Pacific St. to 59th St., it felt like 30+ min when in reality it's probably less than 20. After I got to my stop, I took a walk in the cold. It was freezing and the crazy wind didn't make it any better. But the numbing feeling helped me, in a way.

I then chilled at cousin's place. Bought food for dad's dinner and dropped it off at my place. Came back here and now I'm waiting for food. Oh, and my cousin officially thinks I'm crazy (not that she didn't have a hint before). Chloe = turning 20 this Friday. My other cousin, Wei = 30 something and with a cuteass 6 month old daughter. He's the one cooking. I love his cooking but it makes me feel so fat afterwards ): But then it's so filling!

Yea, anywhoo. I forgot to bring my journal to write in. I fell asleep on my entry last night at around 4:30am. Don't ask why I was up so late-I failed at starting my Genetics paper. But -sigh- I left it at home 'cause Grandma was bitching at me. Ick. I'd bring it around with me so I can scribble random shit in it...but that makes the risk of someone seeing it higher. A lot higher.

So home it stays.

Ohhey this post is kinda long. Whoops. I'm still hungry. Where is my dinnerrrrr ); ?

I'm trembling.

Whether it's from the cold or from the odd things on my mind at this time (Wtf am I still doing up? lawls) or just from being scared...I don't know.

But this trembling is getting pretty annoying. I can barely type. Oh, maybe it's from the cold after all.

Who knows.

Weirdass Monday.

Woke up at 4am. Didn't go back to sleep 'til 5:30ish. Woke up again at 6:45. I was late. I should've gotten my butt up at 4am. That extra hourish of sleep made me feel so dang tired. I hate feeling tired, especially on a Monday. Bah.

So the first few classes of the day were pretty shitty. Then some good news came: my Biotech teacher was absent. Hooray! We had a presentation today-one that we weren't ready for, so it was all good.

Once again, my mood has been killed. I went off to do dishes and came back down here to find my personal haven invaded. It kills me on the inside to know that the place I'm supposed to call home, makes me almost more on edge than I am at school. What the fuck.

Yea, forget my day. It wasn't too interesting anyways. I got $1 noodles that tasted awesome. The end.

Unspoken promises, still yet unbroken.

How long can I hold on when I'm losing faith in hoping?

Wanna follow your lead, but then will you sweep me off my feet?

'Cause now I'm feeling like Cinderella-

Waiting for my Prince Charming to set me free.

But I've got no slippers I can leave behind.

So stop me, please stop me-

I'm begging-before the 11th hour.

So I think I'm going to Hell.

Well, nothing new there. I knew I was off to Hell the second my mom wanted to disown me.

10:10AM. Hm, I'm hungry. No food at home? Okaays.

I got this. Omelet, anyone?

When all you got to keep is strong,

Move along like I know you do.

And even when your hope is gone,

Move along just to make it through.

When everything is wrong, we move along.

We need more parties.

Or big events/hang outs in general. With college apps coming to a close (sorta), we all need a break. So what better way to start than having a Christmas party?

Today was fun. Although it was a bit cold-we stood outside for an hour-it was quite worth it. I can't really think of anything else to say. Everything that I'm typing is too general at the moment. I jsut felt like recording the fact that I went to a party today. I'm so weird. Lulz.

Oh hey, it's 12:30am. Sleep? Shower? Yea, maybe.

My day/week was just made.

b4kudan:

(9:49:46 PM): your photography :3

(9:49:50 PM): i sho happys

akvitaa 9:50 pm

(9:50:07 PM): lawls which?

(9:50:09 PM): wait why? LOL

b4kudan

(9:50:21 PM): all

(9:50:25 PM): so much improvement!

akvitaa 9:50 pm

(9:50:30 PM): d'aww

(9:50:32 PM): thanks ~

b4kudan

(9:50:58 PM): you're learning so many art principles without taking art!

akvitaa 9:51 pm

(9:51:06 PM): i am? :x

b4kudan 9:51 pm

(9:51:14 PM): you absolutely are

akvitaa 9:51 pm

(9:51:21 PM): it's just. idk. i take whatever and whenver i want.

(9:51:25 PM): thank yous ~ x]

(9:51:31 PM): you dunno how happy your comments are making me. :3

b4kudan 9:51 pm

(9:51:44 PM): i'm very impressed

(9:51:53 PM): you're like my pops

(9:51:55 PM): learning by yourself

(9:52:04 PM): you still can improve

(9:52:08 PM): but from where you started :3

(9:52:15 PM): so much awesome!

(9:53:21 PM): i wonder what you can do with a dslr

(9:53:32 PM): let you mess with lighting and depth of field

akvitaa 9:53 pm

(9:53:47 PM): i've seen them up close and idk

(9:53:53 PM): it looks complicated Dx

(9:53:59 PM): so many buttons. and stuffs *-*

b4kudan 9:53 pm

(9:53:59 PM): mm not really

(9:54:06 PM): you actually don't use all that muchy

akvitaa 9:54 pm

(9:54:18 PM): orly o.o

(9:54:22 PM): i think it'd be fun to :3

My self-esteem has been pretty low this week. Well, for a while. And this just made up for most of it. Thank you, Horin Yip. I really needed that: someone to tell me positive things about me, someone to notice, someone to care.

I'm not saying no one cares about me. I'm just saying to needed a support...well, I honestly don't know how to phrase this. But that, right up there, was almost exactly what I needed.

This afternoon, I was feeling so down in the dumps that when I got home, I just turned my phone on silent and threw it somewhere in a forgotten corner. I didn't want to keep seeing/checking it. It makes me feel too dependent and I hate that. I don't hate being dependent, I just hate being TOO dependent. It makes me feel...unable to do anything for myself, etc. So yea, it was a healthy (too healthy) dose of annoyance, frustration, and a test of my patience.

Goddammit. Why not just come out with the truth and say I couldn't stand it? At all.

I'm really hating this. Also myself. My cousin says it's fine; she's been through something similar. My friend says it's fine: it's only human. I don't know what to say or do.

Just going with the flow for now.

It's just something about talking to you.

It makes me feel sane. It draws me away from the negative thoughts that I've been having.

Why? How?

I need to know your secret. I need to know why you have this effect on me.

And I also need it to stop.

It's for our own good.

I need to vent, but I don't know how or where to start.

Sounds really bad, doesn't it? I'd write in my journal, I'd talk to someone, I'd even write here. About everything and anything. But I can't. I find myself wanting to, in all honesty, lean on someone with the ability to support. Through, not anything, but everything.

I don't know. I'm feeling really numb right now-look, I can't even find the right word for it. Part of me wants to sleep. Part of me wants to cry. Part of me wants to knock some sense into myself. Part of me wants to not be here anymore-to exist elsewhere. I guess I'm looking for an easy way out. But guess what? There's never an easy way out. Well, there is: just don't give a fuck. But I can't do that no matter what I tell myself or how hard I try.

Typing all this doesn't help. It feels so robotic and electronic. But in this day and time, it's pretty normal. In my opinion, that's pretty sad. What happened to writing personal letters from the heart? What happened to calling/meeting up with someone just to ask "What's up?" or tell them"I love you"?

What the fuck happened to our generation?

It makes me jealous of generations past. I envy those who lived before the 20th century. I mean, I like technology, I really do. But it takes out so much meaning in...lots of things. Meh, feeling sentimental-ish right now. Just going to go read some stuff for English and maybe sleep. Maybe.

Oh, I'm pissed off at Tumblr. Usually, I go on and laugh at some random thing that doesn't matter to me at all and forget stuff. But now it's down. It shows how dependent I am on that site. It allows me to relate to some people and make me think I'm not all alone or crazy. But here? I talk, I vent, I rant. Either no one reads it, or I don't know about it. And whoever does read it...well, I don't know that either.

But that's okay.

I wonder when I'll start writing again.

I feel like I should update this blog more. I don't know, maybe it's just me. I mean, the last time I wrote in that journal thing was...almost a week ago. Either I don't have much to vent about or I was too tired to do it. Or I don't have the heart to.

Certain things I write and vent about are out of anger, obviously. Sometimes when I look back to them, it makes me sad. And it makes me wonder where I found the anger to write it all. It's just odd. On the plus side, I went shopping in SoHo today. With sibs, it was actually fun. I bought a necklace, bracelets, a white scarf, and running shoes. [I have this whole nice outfit planned out. I'm going to wear it...on a special-ish occasion? Then probably make it casual every day thing from then on? I'll see. OH SPECIAL OCCASION COMING UP. December 11th, Christmas party. If I can go. Fingers crossed!]

Heh, running shoes. That's right. I'm going to go jog every morning from now on. With indoor track, I should have the motivation to. If my parents bitch, oh well. "You didn't do anything over summer and you decide to do it when it's freezing cold?" Well, I didn't ask you to come with me, and you're not the one freezing, so it's okay.

I need to train my cardiovascular endurance; it fails so bad. It's really pathetic, I swear. So, jogging tomorrow it is! While my fatbutt of a sister bikes along side me. -shrug- I'm fine with that. Man, I feel so full now. Okay, dishes time. Then chores. Then homework. Oh, yay.