I'm into depressing songs again.

Why, oh why, must you sound so good? It makes me wonder about where my mind has gone. It makes me wonder if I'm going back into a depression stage. Except this time, I can actually see myself smile at rare times throughout the day. That's one plus. But then again, it could be a sign of insanity. Who knows?

When given time to myself, by myself, I find myself thinking pessimistically. It annoys me more than anything. I find myself wanting to cry and just leave it at that. Crawl up in bed and go sleep for as long as I want. I feel at peace in my sleep but...sleep can only last for so long. It only feels like a couple of minutes when in reality, a couple hours have gone by.

I think I need more sleep. I think I need to procrastinate less. I think I need to stop thinking and start doing. Oh, and I've realized that I'm somewhat back on Blogspot now. I'm on Tumblr less. it's almost like I don't care about it anymore 'cept to update some new photos and my 365. I don't know why but Tumblr depresses me a little. Pft. Like my posts here don't depress me already.

I laugh at my own irony. But that's okay.

I'm going to sign off now. Maybe get some sleep. A part of me doesn't want to. A another part of me is screaming for some rest. Most of me is just screaming to stop.

Stop what, really? Everything if anything.

Jump up, fall down, gotta play it loud now.

Don't care, my head's spinning all around now.

I swear I'll do, anything that I have to

Til I forget about you.

I think I need a long walk.

Just for air. Just to take a breather. Just to feel like I still exist. That I'm still myself.

I can't tell if this is all spurred by the events of last night, but it made me realize lots of things. Things that I've kept buried deep in the back of my mind. While I was hoping they'd all pass, the stress just kept accumulating and now it's out. Although it feels like a bomb's been dropped on me, I feel like there's more to come. It's like all the accumulated stress is just slowly coming out in bursts but still continuously coming out nonetheless.

I think tonight is a sort of good thing. A little get-away from all of this, more or less. Yea, I'm going to enjoy myself tonight and just chill. Hopefully. But before all that happens, I need to pull myself together right now. Just thinking about random shit today while I wasn't distracted made me close to tears. In my opinion, it's pretty pathetic to be unable to let it out. At all or in general. It's a pretty sad concept.

Hm, it's 2:40PM and we were supposed to be at Target's/post office. Guess I'm not going home 'til my mom gets home. Plans later: go home, shower, get ready, and party. I really hope my dad doesn't pick me up. I want to stay in the city a little longer. I want to look like a tourist and take pictures in NYC at Times Square, at night. It just sounds so lovely, right?

Not really. You know what day I'm definitely looking forward to? The day HPDH comes out. I don't know or care what time I'm staying out until. But by then, most or all final decisions will be made and I can relax for good. By then, hopefully, the only thing I have to worry about is getting stuff done instead of starting. Starting is the most difficult part but then so is finishing.

Thinking about it, I really can't wait until after Nov. 15th. I don't know why, but I have a feeling the future events will be splendid. Oh, snap. When I get home, I need to remember to charge my camera. Low battery. And I need to update my 365 more. It's not that I don't take pictures daily. It's not that I've stopped. Oh no. It's just that I haven't had the time or I haven't made it a habit just yet.

This weekend was a slow, painful blur for me. I just hope I don't have to go through a weekend like that ever again. Oh yay, I'm left all alone in the English office. Sorta, not really. I should take that walk before something bursts.

Oh, note to self: ask Horin how to get to Brooklyn Bridge park. Alone.

Edit: this looks like a long rant. Whoops.

I have always walked alone,

A crossroad, living by myself.

But this time you said you would take me away,

To some corner, just you and me.

I feel like I need to blog more.

I need to make time for blogging. I need to put aside some "me time" to do this. I feel like I need it. Doesn't matter who reads or who sees. I'm fine with whatever.

I'm feeling in such a funk right now and I really think blogging should help. A tad bit. I mean, it used to and then I stopped. Maybe that's why I find it so easy to break down. Or maybe 'cause this issue is really that bad.

Oh time, where have you gone?

It's a quarter after one,

I'm all alone

And I need you now.

SoHo with Johanna!

I was about to happily blog about my afternoon but something just killed my mood. I'll still blog but I won't put my whole heart in it. Which sucks. So, moving on.

Today, I was planning to meet my mom in SoHo 'cause she promised to help me get some new shirts 'cause my old ones were too short. Guess what? I forgot my phone AND iPod today. Uber tight. I then decided to go home, get my stuffs and go meet her. But after I reached her on Johanna's phone, she was already there. So I went with Johanna to go meet up with her.

Johanna had time to kill so she spent the afternoon with me. My mom's foot was hurting so I told her she could go home after leaving me some spending money. Johanna and I went to Payless first: I needed shoes. Well, wanted. Most of my shoes are sneakers or my sister's dead flats. I wanted my own ): ! We both had loads of fun at Payless: Johanna was trying on some random shoes and boots while I was looking around for flats and stuffs.

Yea, Johanna found one of those long Converses and decided to try it on. It took her forever to stick her foot in and tie it up. I tried on at least 3-4 pairs of shoes while she was doing it! After we had our fun, I bought one pair of flats and a Van-look-alike. It was comfy, so I don't care. I'm totally going back tomorrow for the pair of boots I fell in love with. Heh.

After Payless, we walked down Broadway and stopped by H&M. We saw a zipper-up skirt and decided to try it on. It reminded us of Phoebe and her "easy access" skirt. We each got a dress shirt and tried the outfit in the fitting room, both of us camwhoring while we were at it.

Yea, that's me, IN A SKIRT. My legs are so dang thick. ); After H&M, we left to Forever21 'cause I saw a shirt the other day that I wanted. It was a plain T-shirt. I need a new one, badly. I feel like I'm wearing the same-ish thing every day and my T-shirts shrunk a bit in length. I bought a grey one and a white long-sleeved one. Then Johanna and I walked by the accessories and I saw nail polish. It's a weakness of mine. Took me 10+ minutes to decide on which ones to buy. I stuck with the metallic emerald and purple. $2.80 each x] !

We left Forever21 and came across a new store: some Halloween thing. Inside, there were so many Halloween/costume stuffs (obviously). I also found OPI nail polish. Now I don't have to buy online anymore (: ! And we also saw venetian masks. I don't know why, but I have a thing for the Victorian age and masquerade and stuff. It just... intrigues me in a way. I find it elegant and romantic in some ways.

After browsing the Halloween stuffs, we were getting hungry. We decided to get some Jamba Juice; it's been a while. Even though it was cold today, we shared a Sixteen smoothie and a flat bread. All the seats there were taken so we sat outside, in the cold, on a bench in the middle of the street. No lie. It's one of those mall thingys you see on highways. Well, people call them "malls." I think of them as mini-parks...in the middle of a big street.

We ate, chatted, took pictures and just chilled. It was a nice afternoon and lovely bonding time. I definitely don't regret taking my point&shoot around. I can' wait 'til more spontaneous things pop up and I get to use my p&s.

I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy this little mini-project/new habit.

So, I did the most epic (sorta) thing today.

Ever since senior year started, I feel like I’m not living it up. Today, that sorta changed.

I’m currently attending Brooklyn Tech and out senior class photo was scheduled for today at 4PM. We didn’t have to be in school until 12PM ‘cause of the PSAT. Ha, juniors and sophomores. I heard it was okay though. o.o

So anyways, I didn’t leave my house until 10:30. I was supposed to meet up with some people at 10:30…as you see, I didn’t make it. I ran into a friend of mine who attends Midwood-the school I transferred from. We chatted and as I was about to run off to take the train she tells me: no Manhattan bound. I was tight.

So I ended up taking the bus with her. I was planning to take the Q train to Dekalb and just wing it from there, but she made me stay on the bus. So then I changed my plans and decided to take the 2/5 train to Atlantic. When we got to Midwood, I saw so many old classmates and friends and a feeling of nostalgia washed over me. It saddened me a bit ‘cause I missed these people so freaking much.

As I was about to leave, the principal and some deans were moving the mass of people towards the college campus next door to take THEIR senior class photo. I couldn’t leave. I was stuck. So, guess what? I’m going to appear in the senior class photo in both the Midwood AND Brooklyn Tech yearbooks.

Epic? I think so.

Was it worth it? Hell yes.

Would I want to do something like this again? Oh, fuck yes.

What the hell.

If talking to me is such a waste of your fucking time, why did you start it first? Why the freak did you come and start a convo with me out of the blue?

I'm so exhausted today, mentally and physically. I just want to sleep. I'm tired of you just bagging down on me when I'm not in the best mood. And then to tell me that talking to me is a waste of your time?

Well, fuck you too.

I've lasted without talking to you before. I think I can do it again with dignity this time.

I'm not applying to any prestigious schools. Get it in your head.

I'm sorry if I sound bitchy and pessimistic, but I just won't. My parents want me to apply to Columbia University. I was considering it, I really was. Until I got some advice from my current English teacher, who was a college counselor last year.

I love him for giving me a realistic answer. It allowed me to see realistic chances and make a decision. So, there goes my ED plan for Columbia. Which is good. I get to save $70. But my parents aren't taking it too well.

"How would you know you can't get in unless you try?" That was the question my mom hit me with. Gee, I don't know, maybe it's because it's unrealistic for the school to accept me? I'm nowhere near their standards, so why apply?

It really scares me though. Thinking about college apps and the future and everything. I'm scared I won't be accepted into any school. I'm scared that all I'll receive are rejection letters. I'm scared of what my parents will think. I'm just scared out of my wits.

I really don't want to deal with this, but better now than later. Better to disappoint them now then when I get my letters in February and onward. Better to just get this shit over with.

Dang, it looks funny.

I think I should stop copying and pasting. The fonts look weird and messed up. Ugh.

But I'm so freaking lazy and SOMEONE invented the Ctrl C and V for a reason, no?

So, something weird happened.

I was eating a bowl of instant noodles and took my glasses off 'cause the fog was bugging me. When I took them off and looked around, everything was so fuzzy but, in a way, clear.

My head felt clear and was able to see things without any smudges. When I put my glasses back on, nothing was fuzzy and everything was in focus. Except I felt like I wasn't looking at things as clearly as I was without my glasses.

It's weird. I sound weird. But it's the truth. I thought I'd be able to think of some other witty/deeper meaning to this, but I can't right now.

Because I am uber lazy.

"I’m back and addicted to Tumblr, again. I don’t know if it’s a good thing since it’s the start of a new school yea. And my final year of high school. With college apps and shit to do, I don’t have time for Tumblr. But with the shit that’s going on in my head (for whatever reason), I can definitely make time.

Being on Tumblr has helped me go through some rough spots. It’s helped me go through life and just continuing doing what I do, even if it’s just existing. I guess I’m just partially ranting right now. I’m not feeling like the bubbly-self from summer. I’m not feeling like the uber depressed/stressed-self from junior year. I don’t know what I’m feeling and I don’t know why.

It’s killing me not knowing.

Yea, screw it. I’m changing the title of the post. This is a ranting post and to also prove that I’m not dead or abandoned this blog."