Weirdass Monday.

Woke up at 4am. Didn't go back to sleep 'til 5:30ish. Woke up again at 6:45. I was late. I should've gotten my butt up at 4am. That extra hourish of sleep made me feel so dang tired. I hate feeling tired, especially on a Monday. Bah.

So the first few classes of the day were pretty shitty. Then some good news came: my Biotech teacher was absent. Hooray! We had a presentation today-one that we weren't ready for, so it was all good.

Once again, my mood has been killed. I went off to do dishes and came back down here to find my personal haven invaded. It kills me on the inside to know that the place I'm supposed to call home, makes me almost more on edge than I am at school. What the fuck.

Yea, forget my day. It wasn't too interesting anyways. I got $1 noodles that tasted awesome. The end.

Unspoken promises, still yet unbroken.

How long can I hold on when I'm losing faith in hoping?

Wanna follow your lead, but then will you sweep me off my feet?

'Cause now I'm feeling like Cinderella-

Waiting for my Prince Charming to set me free.

But I've got no slippers I can leave behind.

So stop me, please stop me-

I'm begging-before the 11th hour.

I think I need a long walk.

Just for air. Just to take a breather. Just to feel like I still exist. That I'm still myself.

I can't tell if this is all spurred by the events of last night, but it made me realize lots of things. Things that I've kept buried deep in the back of my mind. While I was hoping they'd all pass, the stress just kept accumulating and now it's out. Although it feels like a bomb's been dropped on me, I feel like there's more to come. It's like all the accumulated stress is just slowly coming out in bursts but still continuously coming out nonetheless.

I think tonight is a sort of good thing. A little get-away from all of this, more or less. Yea, I'm going to enjoy myself tonight and just chill. Hopefully. But before all that happens, I need to pull myself together right now. Just thinking about random shit today while I wasn't distracted made me close to tears. In my opinion, it's pretty pathetic to be unable to let it out. At all or in general. It's a pretty sad concept.

Hm, it's 2:40PM and we were supposed to be at Target's/post office. Guess I'm not going home 'til my mom gets home. Plans later: go home, shower, get ready, and party. I really hope my dad doesn't pick me up. I want to stay in the city a little longer. I want to look like a tourist and take pictures in NYC at Times Square, at night. It just sounds so lovely, right?

Not really. You know what day I'm definitely looking forward to? The day HPDH comes out. I don't know or care what time I'm staying out until. But by then, most or all final decisions will be made and I can relax for good. By then, hopefully, the only thing I have to worry about is getting stuff done instead of starting. Starting is the most difficult part but then so is finishing.

Thinking about it, I really can't wait until after Nov. 15th. I don't know why, but I have a feeling the future events will be splendid. Oh, snap. When I get home, I need to remember to charge my camera. Low battery. And I need to update my 365 more. It's not that I don't take pictures daily. It's not that I've stopped. Oh no. It's just that I haven't had the time or I haven't made it a habit just yet.

This weekend was a slow, painful blur for me. I just hope I don't have to go through a weekend like that ever again. Oh yay, I'm left all alone in the English office. Sorta, not really. I should take that walk before something bursts.

Oh, note to self: ask Horin how to get to Brooklyn Bridge park. Alone.

Edit: this looks like a long rant. Whoops.

I have always walked alone,

A crossroad, living by myself.

But this time you said you would take me away,

To some corner, just you and me.

What the hell.

If talking to me is such a waste of your fucking time, why did you start it first? Why the freak did you come and start a convo with me out of the blue?

I'm so exhausted today, mentally and physically. I just want to sleep. I'm tired of you just bagging down on me when I'm not in the best mood. And then to tell me that talking to me is a waste of your time?

Well, fuck you too.

I've lasted without talking to you before. I think I can do it again with dignity this time.

I'm not applying to any prestigious schools. Get it in your head.

I'm sorry if I sound bitchy and pessimistic, but I just won't. My parents want me to apply to Columbia University. I was considering it, I really was. Until I got some advice from my current English teacher, who was a college counselor last year.

I love him for giving me a realistic answer. It allowed me to see realistic chances and make a decision. So, there goes my ED plan for Columbia. Which is good. I get to save $70. But my parents aren't taking it too well.

"How would you know you can't get in unless you try?" That was the question my mom hit me with. Gee, I don't know, maybe it's because it's unrealistic for the school to accept me? I'm nowhere near their standards, so why apply?

It really scares me though. Thinking about college apps and the future and everything. I'm scared I won't be accepted into any school. I'm scared that all I'll receive are rejection letters. I'm scared of what my parents will think. I'm just scared out of my wits.

I really don't want to deal with this, but better now than later. Better to disappoint them now then when I get my letters in February and onward. Better to just get this shit over with.

Because I am uber lazy.

"I’m back and addicted to Tumblr, again. I don’t know if it’s a good thing since it’s the start of a new school yea. And my final year of high school. With college apps and shit to do, I don’t have time for Tumblr. But with the shit that’s going on in my head (for whatever reason), I can definitely make time.

Being on Tumblr has helped me go through some rough spots. It’s helped me go through life and just continuing doing what I do, even if it’s just existing. I guess I’m just partially ranting right now. I’m not feeling like the bubbly-self from summer. I’m not feeling like the uber depressed/stressed-self from junior year. I don’t know what I’m feeling and I don’t know why.

It’s killing me not knowing.

Yea, screw it. I’m changing the title of the post. This is a ranting post and to also prove that I’m not dead or abandoned this blog."

And this is why I stay away from my house often.

Parents. Annoying parents.

I was lying on the floor of my bedroom, quietly doing Sudoku while waiting for my sister to finish showering, when my mom came in. She didn't even say anything. She then kicked me and walked back out without another word. For what reason? Maybe some insane person would know. Was I mad? Oh, yes.

My hand still hurts. And it's not from handball. The swelling went down hours ago, so I'm good.

My dad comes home and I greet him. No response. I think he's still peeved that I came home later. They should get used to expecting it. Whenever they ask me what time I'll be home, I'm not allowed to give late times. So why bother asking? Save both of us some trouble and leave my "before dinner" response alone. But the fact that he didn't respond peeved ME. If I didn't bother greeting him (which I wasn't in the mood for), someone would probably be complaining about it right now. And if I did bother (which I, unfortunately, did), I'd be the one who's peeved in the end. And guess what?

I am.

Here's another thing. I'm tired and slightly fatigued. I want to do nothing more than shower and sleep. When I was just about to get up and go shower, my mom tells me to finish the load of laundry. I don't mind doing laundry, really. But at 10:30PM? When there's no school tomorrow and I have all day to do it?

Screw. That.

Just thinking about this whole ordeal is making feel like punching something else. I should learn how to meditate. I should also learn how to calm down. I should also stay out late. I need excuses. Anything to avoid coming home too early. I really don't like it here. Whenever they're home, I feel like I'm suffocating; it's hard to breathe. I get so angry sometimes, I grind my teeth and I won't notice until it hurts. That's pretty bad considering that I've had braces before. My poor teeth.

Now, before this rant drags on any longer, I'm going to do the stupid load of laundry that some idiots had to save for the late evening. Honestly, siblings were home all day. Mom got home by 4:30PM. Yet NO ONE bothered with the laundry until I got home.

Really?

A few more deep breaths, physical stress-relieving exercises and I'll be fine.

Hopefully.

My parents' idea of discipline is...rather stupid.

You can probably infer that I went through some sort of punishment last night. I did. Well, in my parents' POV. Once again, my sister and I were locked out of the house in the wee hours of the night. This was my second time and Carol's fifth, if not sixth, time. The reason?

We were too loud.

My dad once told us, "Lights out and silence by 11." Okay. That was slightly understandable unless I had homework and whatnot. Last night, my sister and I were being a tad bit too loud for his taste. It was 10:55PM. He decided to go to bed early, so when he woke up to tell us to get our asses outside, he was obviously cranky.

So what did we do? We chilled and talked for about an hour. Then we had to surrender to our bladders. We both decided to stay over at our cousin's place (which, THANK GOD, was up the street) and just chill there. I didn't see us going back in any time in the near future 'cause both my parents went to bed. They left us outside wearing nothing but tank-ops and shorts. Oh, it was kinda chilly for a night in August. I'm somewhat amazed I didn't catch a cold.

We stayed at our cousin's for about 2 hours before my mom called. She was worried about us. When my cousin told me, I literally laughed out loud. If she was so worried about us, she would've let us in the second my dad fell asleep. My cousin asked me what was the point of my parents locking us out. I merely shrugged and she told me it was the stupidest punishment she's ever heard of. I second that.

Right now, it is a lovely Thursday evening. Both my parents are coming home late. How late? Sometime past 9PM, hopefully. After my dinner digests, I plan to shower and sleep before either one of them gets home. I'm not in the mood to face either one right now. My mom called over 10 times today. This afternoon. This is one of the main reasons why, when I stayed home, I told her I was out. If not, she'd be calling home every 20 minutes or so to annoy the shit out of whoever was home at the time.

And guess what she said over the phone? A long, repetitive lecture. And also, a list of chores to do. Chores, I'm fine with. Repeating yourself in every single call you make(which was a lot)? I would want to punch the poor unfortunate item closest to me. Which happened to be my desk. Let me tell you. It relieves the stress and anger momentarily (boy, does it feel good to let it out) but the stinging pain will be a bitch, depending on how hard you're punching.

Boy, you can tell I'm ranting. Look at how long this post is growing into. -__- And I wanted to make it short. Pfft. Oh, as you can see on the calendar: next Monday, I'm headed out to Massachusetts for my annual family vacation. That means a whole week with the family. Oh freaking joy. I can't wait. -dispose dripping sarcasm here-

Well, that wraps it up. I have my annual check-up tomorrow. It's early-ish in the morning, so I should go sleep. Before someone gets home. Good nights!

Edit: I started my Common App today. I registered for the SUNY website today too. I'm going to work on my Common App essay for Bing whenever I don't have internet. I wonder if I need a separate Common App essay for every school I'm applying to. Or if one would do for all? -shrug- I'll ask someone later on.

And I don't know

How I would ever go

All alone walking on my own.

Shot in the Dark; BTR

Terribly annoying stressful day.

Slept at 2AM. Dad woke me up at 8:30 just to tell me to do laundry. Before that, Mom woke me up at 6-7AM to tell me the same thing. I get up and out of bed and head for the bathroom. I couldn't even shit in peace-no joke. Afterwards I went downstairs to do the stupid laundry. Soon after, I went back to bed with my netbook. Only 10 minutes after I came back upstairs, he told me he was headed out for his doctor appointment. REALLY NOW? Annoying.

As if both parents ticking me off so early wasn't enough, my sister had to be a total bitch. AS ALWAYS. I think part, if not most, of the reason why I was so mad today was because I didn't have permission to go out. My day today was so pointless and unproductive. I'm feeling extremely lazy and tired too. Not good.

When my dad came home around 2PM, I had to go finish up the laundry. Or try. He continued to tick me off to no end, so I took a nap. I think I took a 2 hour nap, or something. Before I knew it, it was 5PM and I had to bring my brother to karate (or whatever the heck it's called). I just became conscious from my nap (I wouldn't call it waking up, really) and I didn't want to bring him. I told him to tell my sister to bring him and I'll pick him up. She comes upstairs, punches me while I'm asleep, bitches/yells something stupid, and storms off. I was so mad, I punched the wall. It sort of hurt, but it was nothing compared to the anger I felt.

As if that wasn't enough. OH YEA, there's more. My mom comes home, and I remembered that I had to add the fabric softener to the second load. My sister was down there the entire time, and I thought she would have enough common sense to add the fabric softener. Of course, she did not. I go down, prepared to hang up the load and all she says to me is, "You forgot to add the softener." She has the nerve to say it in that manner, as if the laundry is solely my responsibility. REALLY NOW? I cam back upstairs and complained a little to my mom about how stupid my sister was. My dad "just" woke up form his nap and he bitched at me for complaining like a bitch. Gah. I was so mad, I went to my room, crawled in bed and just cried.

Later on, it was time for dinner. I had to set up the table by myself, and I was hungry. I didn't give a damn 'cause my stomach was growling for food. After dinner, my dad had this form for me to fill out. It was some insurance thing and they wanted to clarify something or whatnot. I filled it out in frustration due to my parents' attitudes and forgot to white something out while throwing a slight tantrum. Slight tantrum and I get scolded. Thanks a lot.

I think after today, my life span just shortened by a good 10ish years, if not 5 at the least. Thanks, family. Thanks a lot.

Holding in anger? I'm pretty sure it's a big no-no.

But I do it anyways. Why? I have no freaking idea. Maybe it's to prevent any shit from starting in the family. Any serious shit. Yeah, I'm willing to take the beating, to take it all just so nothing messes us up for real. Today, I've been wondering why I'm still doing it. It hurts, it actually hurts now.

Today, I've had it with them. They've never annoyed/pissed me off this much. I feel like punching something. A pillow won't do; I've tried. It doesn't give me a release from this. I've actually cried from it to let it out. It's helped a bit, but barely.

I'll probably punch a wall next. I don't care if I hurt myself. I'm not strong enough to break my own hand. If my sister does something unbelievably stupid to tick me off further, I will punch her. Right in the face.

Okay, that was part of today's rant. Time to go do laundry.